A New Hope.

Hekeleh.

Poyo lah kau.

Bila dah lama tak cakap, mula lah sombong.

I thought kita memang ikhlas nak berkawan kan?

Or kau ada agenda lain?

Haha. Whatever man. Lantak kau lah.

Speaking of friends, I met one of my old friends masa buat MC. (Medical Checkup ya kanak kanak). Seronok jumpa kawan lama. I saw him masa buat registration, but kalau tegur then salah orang, malu bai! So I decided to just forget about it. Then masa buat checkup, bumped into him again. I guess he noticed that I was looking at him.

"ko anep en?"

Wow. Dia ingat. Gila cool.

"haha..ko *** en? peh.. btaun da kot x jmpe."

So chit chat bla bla. It was fun. He is considered one of my besties masa sekolah rendah. So there were quite a few things we talked about. At least takde bosan sangat masa buat MC. He's doing medic. Damn. Pandai gila. Aku? Haha. Diam diam sudah. :P

But bila nak buat medic agak leceh, banyak tests kena buat including HIV blablabla. So dia lama la jugak kot kat situ buat MC.

Speaking of MC, aku agak takut masa nak dapat results. And it didnt help when I had to wait 2 hours to get it. Konon private. Tah celah mana yang private. Cet.

Then the counter finally reached my number, so I went into the Doc's room with my heart beating like crazy.

"encik anep, awak tak sihat."
"encik anep, awak ada barah."
"encik anep, awak ada sakit jantung."
"encik anep,awak dah tak ada banyak masa lagi."

I can just hear those words being said by the Doc.

I thought maybe I'm really screwed. Considering the way I've been living my life..
I've also been feeling unwell. As if something is not right. Something is sick inside me.

But all he said was..

"Encik anep. Awak normal sahaja. =)"

"ye ke?"

"yes."

Haha. I guessed I was just being paranoid.

"cuma.."

"cuma?!"

"awak.."

"kenape doc kenapaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!??!"

"awak...perlu spec baru.."

"lol.. "

Buat saspen je.

Well. When the doc told me I was fine, for a second, I sighed. Because a small, tiny, supermicro part of me wished that I was not fine. I wished that I was sick. Lagi bahaya lagi baik. Lagi cepat aku mati. I can finally leave all this crap behind and no longer menyusahkan orang lain.

But I realised, nanti kalau aku pergi..

Mak bapak aku sapa nak jaga?
Family macam mana?
Kawan kawan aku apa cerita?
Dia sapa nak jaga?
And a few other things..

Baru aku sedar.

Aku. Sangat. Selfish.

Nak tinggalkan dunia and leave them behind.

Wilson once said

"Dying's easy. Living's hard."

I also realised, this is god's way of saying there are still much more things in life.
There are other people for me.
There are other opportunities for me.

So I'm really, REALLY glad that I'm fine, normal and healthy. Syukurrr..

Now I know.
Avoiding wont help.
Isolating myself won't help.
Confrontation will. I hope.

But, I suppose, in the end..

All is well. =)