Those Three Words.

Bismillah.

hihi..

Okay.

What am I going to tell people today? Uhm.. Oh yeah..

Lately, I've been very miserable and depressed and stuff.

Anep miserable?!
Anep depressed?!
Gila lucu.

But I really am.

Apparently there are so much things to think about now that these things are actually interrupting my life. I cant even sleep properly now. Last night I slept around 4 I think. Usually I sleep about 11-12 hours. What time is it now? 11.56?! Lol. Thats A.M. too. See? I never woke up earlier than 1 or 2 P.M. before. Inikan nak siap tulis entri blog lagi.

My future? Oh yeah. I think everyone knows it already by now, but I guess there's no harm in telling it again. I ll be going to UiTM Melaka soon. Yes Melaka. Dekat saja. Padan muka korang dapat jauh jauh.

Perasaan? Agak happy. Agak sedih pon ada. Happy maybe because ramai orang aku kenal dapat Melaka. So takdela bosan sangat kot. Sedih? Because... Well, actually not sedih. More like nervous perhaps. I've never been far away from my parents too long. Bukan sebab anak manja, tapi sebab aku bodoh sangat. Aku tak dapat asrama, sebab aku bodoh. Tapi nak buat camno? Bak kata kakak aku, semua benda kau kena buat sendiri. Aku tak kisah. Tapi, ada a few things yang aku asyik terfikir.

Roommate aku ada berapa? The less the merrier. Yes. Aku tak suka duduk ramai ramai. Tapi aku rasa 4 orang satu bilik kot. Haih. Nak buat macam mana? UiTM nak save bajet. Dang. But I suppose I dont mind sangat. Tapi macam mana kalau semua roommate aku mat dadah? Mati aku. Ok you're thinking too much into this.

Barang - barang? For sure banyak akan hilang. Baldi? Sabun? Berus gigi? Lantakla. Beli baru sudah. I just hope tiada siapa nak curi K800i aku. Ni je lah harta bernilai aku ada. Jangan curi please. =(

I guess ada a few more things yang still bother me. Tapi biar je lah.

So anyway, my course? Sistem Maklumat Perakaunan. Kenapa aku ambil course nih? Mana aku tau. Actually at first I wanted to take law, but my mum said dengan result macam budak tak pernah pergi sekolah, nak ambil law apa nya. So feared of being rejected by UPU, (which I actually did, thank god for selangkah) I picked some weird course. But my mum said this course maybe has some IT thingy. Just what I like. But I dont have any basics in accounts. So I'm already screwed.

I ll be going to Melaka this 27/6. Gempak tak tarikh tu? Gempak kan? Gempak kan? WRONG! Tak gempak langsung. Kerana tarikh tersebut juga adalah hari jadi saya. Yes. Masuk UiTM on the same day as your birthday. How depressing is that. No, its not cool. Its not awesome. Its depressing. Even years before this, my birthday had never fall on a good day. Like last year, my birthday was on Hari Terbuka. Yes. Parents. Datang. Tengok. Report Card. Did I say my SPM result macam budak tak sekolah? So on hari terbuka you can guess my result. Kena marah, marah, dan marah. Scolded by your parents on your birthday. Can it get any worse?

This is why I dont like my birthday. Everytime nak dekat my birthday I would get depressed. Miserable. Hilang mood. Perasaan yang negatif memenuhi diri. When the date gets nearer, I would get more and more unlucky. Malang. Malang. Malang. One thing after another. I try to think positive things, but I just cant because everytime my birthday comes, something bad happens. Well, probably not everytime. Tahun - tahun lepas ok lah kot, walaupun kena marah or whatever, esok jumpa kawan balik. Gelak gelak. Lupa pasal kena marah. But now? Who do I have? Sekolah dah habis. Kawan semua busy fikir masa depan. Who do I turn to? Who do I tell this to? I feel so miserable. God help me...

Agak pelik, benci birthday sendiri. But thats the truth. Aku rase hari jadi aku ni memang malang lah. Which is ironic, since I was born on that day. IDK. Maybe its just me being paranoid. Maybe, if I studied harder before, my birthday would've been better. Maybe. But thats all in the past now.

I think I'm also depressed thinking about her. I kept thinking about confessing to her. Or just say those three words. But I know she doesnt feel the same way about me. To her I'm just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I know she likes someone else. Confessing just to hear her rejection would probably just hurt my feelings more. People say the first rejection hurts the most. I wonder if I'll get through it. Jangan rasa nak suicide sudah. Suicide sebab kena reject? Haa. Bodoh gila. I dont think I'm that stupid. Yet.

Maybe I ll confess to her on the midnight of my birthday. As soon as the clock turns 12 A.M, maybe I'll YM her and say

" *, I love you. I've always liked you. Sudi tak awak kapel dengan saya? "

And as soon as the clock turns 12.01 A.M (or sooner), she'll reply

" No. "

That would be the perfect birthday gift.

Heartbroken, and on the same day I'm leaving home. Do you feel my misery now?

Just smile anep, just smile. :')